Shorter Comments Section

Shorter Comments Section: Apple is Evil! Micro$oft is Evil! iPads suck! No they don’t! Microsoft did it first! Stick that stylus where the sun don’t shine! Hey look a Linux guy hiding behind the drapes, lets beat him up, too!

Meanwhile, half a continent away, Bill Gates withholds the retrovirus treatment that could cure Steve Jobs’ cancer, thus forcing Jobs to consume ever greater numbers of kidnapped Tonganese babies.

The Resurrection of Macintalk!

Talking Moose and crappy speech synthesis fans rejoice! Through some kind of divine intervention Apple has managed to stuff our beloved Macintalk into the new iPod Shuffle! Now if we could only get the Talking Moose in there too. That would make some k-k-k-krazy playlist action:

My milkshake - it's better than yours
The cat gets flat when run over cars
Yes I am - and I'm your dish
I need some antler polish

When Jobs Returns

At the end of the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Timothy Cook and the Oppenheimer to see the sepulcher. And behold, there was a great earthquake, for the angel of Innovation descended from the Matrix, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. And for fear of him the SEC regulators shook and became as dead men.

And the angel answered and said unto the men, "Fear ye much, for I know that ye seek Jobs, who was slightly sick. He is not here, for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Jobs lay. And go quickly and tell His Directors that He is risen from the dead, and behold, He goeth before you into Cupertino. There shall ye see Him. Lo, I have told you."

And they departed quickly from the sepulcher with fear and great joy, and ran to bring His Directors word. And as they went to tell His Directors, behold, Jobs met them, saying, "Get away from me you filthy peon." And they crawled, and groveled at His feet, and worshiped Him. Then said Jobs unto them, "Be afraid. Be very afraid. And go tell My Directors to go into the boardroom, and there shall they see Me."

Now when they were going, behold, some of the SEC regulators came into the district of Washington and reported unto the head of the SEC all the things that were done. And when they were assembled with the other regulators and had taken counsel, they gave a commandment unto the field agents, saying, "Say ye, 'His Directors came by night and revised dividends while we slept.' And if this come to Congress' ears, we will persuade them and secure you." So they took their briefings, and did as they were taught; and this account is commonly reported among the Press until this day.

Then the Directors went away into the boardroom onto their Herman Miller chairs where Jobs had appointed them. And when they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted. And Jobs came and spoke unto them, saying, "All power is given unto Me in Internet and on earth. Go forth and market to all nations, profiting from them in My name, seducing them to buy all things I have created. And lo, My products are with you always, unto the end of the warranty." Amen.